PERSONAL NOTE

I'm excited that it just became fall on Sept. 22nd.  While we will still have some heat in San Diego, soon we will start to feel a chill in the air.  I love the coolness fall brings after a hot summer.  I love the spring for the flowers in my garden and fall for the crispness in the air.  There you have it, my secret is out.  Those are my 2 favorite seasons. I hope you find this month's topic empowering. 

ARTICLE

Who Says You Have To?

Before the day is over, you may have told yourself what you should do a dozen times. Some of those reminders are useful. Others add pressure without helping you take a single step. It’s worth asking which ones deserve your attention.

It might sound like   I should exercise more. I should be further along by now. I should volunteer more. I should call more often. I should have handled that differently.

By itself, it's a small word. But over time, it can become surprisingly heavy. Many of us carry around an invisible list of "shoulds" every day. Some come from our parents. Some from society. Some from coworkers or friends. And many are expectations we've quietly placed on ourselves. The problem isn't having responsibilities. The problem is when every decision becomes another reminder that we're somehow falling short.

The word should often carries a hidden message: "I'm not enough as I am." When you hear that message day after day, it slowly chips away at your peace of mind. There’s another kind of weight, too. Each time you tell yourself you should do something but don’t follow through, you may feel disappointed in yourself. The unfinished task stays on your mental list, and the disappointment makes it feel heavier. After a while, even small “shoulds” can start to feel like evidence that you’re letting yourself down.

One of the most powerful coaching questions I ask clients is, "Who decided that?"  Who decided you should always be available?  Who decided you should never disappoint anyone? Who decided your home should always look perfect before guests arrive?  Who decided you should accomplish more simply because someone else appears to?

Sometimes the answer is obvious. Sometimes no one did. You simply adopted the expectation without ever questioning whether it still fits the life you want to live. That's when should becomes a burden instead of a guide. Imagine replacing the word should with choose.

"I choose to exercise because I want to feel stronger."  "I choose to spend time with family because those relationships matter to me."  "I choose to rest today because my body needs it."

The responsibility may not change, but your mindset does.

Choice reminds you that you're living according to your values, not simply reacting to someone else's expectations. That doesn't mean every choice is easy. There will always be obligations, deadlines, and commitments. But when your actions align with what truly matters to you, they feel much lighter than when they're driven by guilt alone.

This week, listen carefully to your inner dialogue. Every time you hear yourself say, "I should…", pause for just a moment. Ask yourself:  "Is this something I genuinely value—or is it an expectation I've been carrying for so long that I never stopped to question it?"

You may discover that some of your heaviest burdens were never yours to carry in the first place.   

UPCOMING EVENTS

So, as this is being sent to you, I am giving a presentation to the Ministry of Moms in San Diego.  I mention that because many of you are in organizations that need a speaker from time to time.  While I love speaking at conferences, I also enjoy smaller groups, whether it's a work or church group, or a service organization.  So keep me in mind if you're looking for a speaker.  

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Stay safe, healthy, and happy!

Coach Jan